Date: Sat, 22 Mar 1997 14:30:18 -0500 (EST)
To: Multiple recipients of list <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Ibogaine treatment
REPORT OF A SECOND TREATMENT WITH IBOGAINE
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Report of a second treatment with Ibogaine
by G F
The following is a report of my second treatment with Ibogaine that took
place in September 1991, twenty-three months after my first treatment. I
was born and raised in Holland. I was 27 years old at the time and had
just received my Masters Degree in Fine Arts in New York. I wanted to
try and curtail my use of heroin once and for all.
Although I had relapsed into heroin addiction for only a few months,
this time I had fallen deeper than ever before.
By the time I was about to be retreated, I lived in Holland and I was in
very bad shape. Feeling like a bottomless pit, I consumed amounts of
heroin like never before.
The possibility of a second treatment with Ibogaine came like a gift
from heaven, because I had grown weak in a short period of time,
weighing only 85 pounds.
My two friends, who I had previously treated and with whom I had treated
many of my friends, treated me at their house. This was a very
comfortable and trusted environment for me compared to the hotel room
setting of my first treatment.
My American boyfriend was treated a couple of days before and he was
there to help me too.
The day of my treatment I was very nervous, because this time I was
prepared for what was about to take place. It made me very sad that I
got readdicted and that another treatment was necessary, because
Ibogaine is a very intense ordeal and its effects are not necessarily
pleasant. This time I decided not to fight the effects as I had done the
An hour after consuming 1000 mg Ibogaine in capsule form, I start to
feel trippy and dizzy, but the withdrawal symptoms disappear.
I feel the need to lay down in the darkened room. After I take my shoes
off, I lay down comfortably under the covers with my eyes closed.
Feeling nicely relaxed, I suddenly pick up on a buzzing sound. My
boyfriend comes in the room to check up on me and he asks me how I feel.
I tell him; I am in the buzz-consciousness.
It is becoming hard to form the words, because its difficult to
concentrate on communication. He tells me that he understands, and
leaves the room. The buzzing sound becomes louder, intenser and
overwhelmingly hypnotic. Sounds entering the room from the street seem
to pass by in a visible wave-like form. I realize that all forms of
energy are electric currents and that they are not visible with our
normal consciousness, because it would make normal functioning
At this point I have to close my eyes. My thoughts wonder off and I
think about my girlfriend Lena who just gave birth to her first child.
Envisioning the vulnerability of a baby, especially the skull, is very
frightening and I realize the responsibility that a parent feels, when
having a newborn. I can't seem to suppress these thoughts and feelings.
I remember other Ibogaine users telling me that they found it impossible
to suppress stuff as well. Some of them had envisioned scenes that
after the treatment they referred to as terrifying.i Unlike other
psycho-active substances, there is no real emotional attachment during
When my boyfriend checks up on me, I communicate to him that him OK.
-After the treatment he tells me that I spoke to him in Dutch, while he
is American, which proves that I was getting pretty out of it at this
point.- My thoughts go faster and faster and I can't seem to grab them
I start to envision myself riding on a roller coaster ride through my
brain, going faster and faster. My head becomes an amusement park and
then all of a sudden transforms into a jackpot-slot machine.
The three rows of the slot machine start to roll and stop at different
cartoon-like images. Then I notice four cartoon-like jokers sitting on
top of the machine. They laugh and giggle and make fun of me. They
explain to me:
This is the lust machine of the brain. After putting in a coin, one
can have sex with this machine. Every human being has this device in the
center of their brain, because sex is the start and continuous drive of
the existence of life in the universe. I
him puzzled by these images and wonder why there is money needed with
this machine. In the meantime, I become one with one of the three rows
in the machine and it starts spinning faster and faster. I try to escape
it, but can't. Every attempt to prove that I can get away from it, ends
up in another spin around the wheel. I don't understand why I have these
visions. The jokers keep laughing at me. They think him ignorant for
thinking that I can escape this situation. The rows increase speed
All of a sudden things are blank, dark. I have finally moved out of my
body and my skull, and him floating in space with stars surrounding me.
When I look at earth, its far away and it looks like a tiny ball. While
floating in space I try to understand what human beings have in common.
During my contemplations, I keep traveling upwards in space, until I see
two huge entities.
They are a God and Goddess made out of little lights. The God seems
to be connected to the sun, the Goddess to the moon. This scene is
accompanied by beautiful music and is very serene and harmonious. It
almost feels like a fairy-tale, and him some kind of a Peter Pan. These
personalities radiate unconditional love, forgiveness and understanding
for human suffering in a magnitude that I have never felt before.
The Goddess puts my head in her lap and touches my hair. This feels like
I am coming home.i him in total peace.
I look at the God, who points his index finger at the earth below. A
little light shoots out of his finger and travels through the universe
to earth, into the head of a newborn baby. (This looked like
Michelangelo's Creation of Adam). All of a sudden I see and understand
what human beings have in common. It is a little bright light at the top
of everybody's skull. When you die, this little light travels back to
the source; the God and Goddess who are made out of these little lights.
These visions were not frightening. Death seemed to be a harmonious
reunion from the small light with the big light.
Then I see the lives of my parents and the effects of their frustrations
and desires on my life.
These realizations are disturbing and make me uncomfortable. I open my
eyes and vomit. My friends must have heard me, because they are next to
my bed to help me. They seem far away. The puking is weird, because it
seems like my mind is not connected to my stomach. I feel horribly
exhausted and empty inside. The whole bed is soaking wet from my sweat.
It feels like I have lost a couple of pounds of body weight. I close my
I see a tunnel. It is walls are gray and made of organic material and at
the end of the tunnel is an intense white light. I decide not to enter
it. Then I see myself fall unconscious.
It must be hours later when I suddenly awake out of what seems like a
coma. I open my eyes and it feels like its the first time. My
consciousness snaps back with a click, as if someone turned on the
light. My visions continue, but are different than before.
I am under water, swimming and touching seals, orcas and whales. Their
skin feels very soft. The water is crystal clear and the atmosphere of
this scene is pure and beautiful.
Then I am swimming at the bottom of a river. An older man and woman show
me how to hunt the fur of some under-water animal. This thrilling
activity changes into a fairy-tale landscape with underwater princesses
I am an exhausted, skin-over-bone animal, that is a mix of a fox and a
wolf. I have been running through the jungle for days, weeks, months
without food. I have to rest my body, it can no longer move on. I am
panting and feel like him near death. The jungle is beautiful, lush,
green and moist. I feel one with mother nature and am accepting of the
fact that this might be the end of my life.
I am human again and him laying in a small stream in the jungle of what
seems to be Korea or Vietnam. For hours I just lay there totally
relaxed, playing with the water and listening to the animals. him too
exhausted to move on.
My friends come in and tell me that I have been in bed for 2 days. I don't
want to get up. I dread it, even though my body hurts from laying in the
same position, without moving for all this time.
I need more time to face the world. Then my visions take on more
depressing, absurd and uncomfortable dimensions.
I think of myself as part of Darwin's weak group of people on this
earth. I will be a junkie till the end of times. These thoughts make me
very sad, but I can't imagine a clean future.
My legs are hurting and I visualize my body made out of rubber material.
I drive around in a small plastic car, putting Ibogaine in peoples air
For what seems two hours, I see Dutch people scrubbing and cleaning
I am an older Indonesian woman, who sets her house under water, so I can
swim. The climate in the house is tropical and there are plants
everywhere. While I float in the water and do nothing, I wish I could
live like this forever.
I see my paintings get destroyed through time, just like all material
things eventually turn to dust. Thus painting seems irrelevant to me,
although at the same time I realize that the real power of images is the
imprint in peoples mind, and not necessarily just the material item
Eventually my boyfriend forced me to get up and move to the other room,
after which I got some sleep. The next days I couldn't speak; there was
too much to process.
I was clean, but I didn't feel relieved.
The vision of the tunnel bothered me a lot. I interpreted it negatively,
thinking that the tunnel symbolized at least five more years of
addiction. The light at the end suggested that one day I would get
clean. It felt like a dark cloud hung over my head and I didn't look
forward to the future.
Besides some minor yawning, sneezing and light chills, I didn't feel
withdrawal symptoms, but my body was in terrible shape. I lost weight
that I couldn't afford to lose and I needed help walking around the
After two weeks I got very impatient. I felt better, but I wanted to
feel really good. I had trouble filling my time and felt depressed and
I decided to cop heroin and relapsed into four and a half years of hell.
During those years I lived in New York and I worked as a stripper to
finance my habit. I came to realize that the visions of the slot machine
were premonitions of my striptease work.
The visions of the tunnel didn't necessarily have to mean more addiction
time, but could have been a near-death experience.
Even though I relapsed, I was grateful for the experience, because there
were a lot of beautiful scenes and intense realizations in it.
My treatment did not lead to a long-lasting effect, because there was
no adequate aftercare. My interpretations could and should have been
reviewed with some therapeutical guidance. Instead, I was alone in this
process and I was trying to deal with my worn-down physical state at the
Five years later, when I finally quit dope by self-medication with
methadone and pills, I realized that I had interpreted my visions from a
negative, depressed angle, spinning me off in an almost detrimental
cycle of addiction, which could have been prevented had I gotten the
right care at the time.
As a result, I try to create the optimal situation for the people I
treat with Ibogaine nowadays, by providing access to medical doctors,
psycho-therapists and psychiatrists.
http://www.Ibogaine.Desk.nl (European mirror)