Date: Wed, 25 Feb 1998 15:28:15 EST
To: Multiple recipients of list <>
Subject: Ibogaine experience in progress


I received the following Ibogaine experience report and asked to pass it on
to the list.




7pm February 23rd. Ingested small amount of Ibogaine Hydrochloride.

Nastiest Taste I have tasted besides Stomach Bile. Actually it tastes

just like Bile. But that is OK. From everything I have read and studied,

I will be in good company with Ibogaine. I am anxious for sure, and

clear on the following: I want to be off of Methadone and all opiates, I

am Ready for a Profound change for the better in my life, and I want to

address the issue of Fear in my life: The Fear of success, the Fear of

abandonment, and my inability to complete things that I set out to do,

which I believe stems from the fear. Or Does It? Perhaps I will know

after meeting the Bwiti. I just hope that I can stomach the rest of the

dose. That would be nicex.  

After Taking a shower I am feeling a sense of well being. I feel good. I

am not sure how much Ibogaine I took, perhaps 100-200mgs of the

Hydrochloride. I am now about to take the rest of the dose.



After taking the sample to test alergic reation, I took the remainder of

the dose. Very, VERY bitter. My stomach burned. My chest ached, I think

it was Heart-burn from an upset stomach. I laid down.


I aksed my Guide if he would like to write down the things I said. "I

see the ceiling of that church we were in." It was spinning around like

a whirlwind.


Sat up, drank water and rinsed out mouth, laid back down. "I'm feeling

pretty nervous. Sweaty Palms. I feel OK, though."

8:17PM "Guide, could you let some fresh air in here?" (I could feel the

radiator pouring dry air across my body, it was very uncomfortable)

8:19PM "I feel some bed spins. It feels like I am rocking back and

forth. It doesn't matter whether my eyes are closed or open. I've lost

my equilibrium. No, its worse when I close my eyes. Heart is Pounding"

8:22PM  "It's very uncomfortable"

8:24PM "Spinning. It seems like when I try to slow it down, it just goes

fasterx It feels like I am in some sort of space ship, going through a

tube. Its hard to keep my eyes open because I get too dizzy. It's very

intense. I get a feeling like I'm feeling the earth spinning beneath me.

In Space. It feels like there is a magnet holding my body to the


8:29PM  "Traveling thru space. Its getting hard to talk.." at this point

I could see a vapourous glow, burnig off of my body. At first I thought

my soul was burning thru the earth's atmosphere, but then it felt like

It was a cleansing, Toxins leaving my body. I think at this point I was

either told or knew myself that I was "of the light". I had chosen the

light over the darkness. It wasx divine, sacred, colorful, Beautiful

beyond description. I felt/saw/experienced my soul rising thru the eons,

blazing in it's glory and magnificance. I was traveling at an incredible

speed, the stars were blurring past me, it must have been the speed of

light or faster. It was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I was Not on

the earth, although I could feel my physical body weighted down. It was

strange, a seperation. It was Extremely intense, and extremly beautiful.

I was shown many images, from ancient times. Marble structures,

laboratory Equipment, all made of Marble. From pre-history, the time of

the Gods, I thought. I saw things that might have been inspired or

suggested from the Church I visited earlier in the day, but they were

different, visibly divine, sacred, ALIVE. Eminating a life force. I saw

faces, many, many faces. Somehow I knew that they were me. My past

lives. There were many women faces. Of all nationalities and race. It

wasx spiritual, ecstacy, lovingx

I was shown a laboratory where Humans were created. Or perhaps this was

not shown to me but I saw something I had pondered as a possibility,

that Humans were created to serve a race of higher beings as a

subservient race, servants and slaves. To mine for gold and other

precious minerals. I asked very few questions, I was in pain. I asked or

thought "where did all this pain I have come from, I think refering to

this life-time, and I was shown an image of a Dying man, in a hospital

bed, who was in tremendous pain. He wanted to die in peace, with no

Pain. I saw a young boy, reach out to him and in his innocence and

naivity, he took the pain from the man and the man died free of his

pain. I believe that young boy was me, that I had taken, unknowingly,

this incredible pain. I am not sure if it was this lifetime or notx I

asked what happened to the old man, and was told "He won't ever do that

again." This was a disembodied voice relating all this to me. It was a

very graphic and gruesome scene. The old man's pain was very evident.

But I wasn't scared. The boy admired the old man, and looked at him with

compassion and deep love. At some point I saw faces looking down on me,

Tribal compassionate faces, maybe 5 or 6 of them, male and female. They

were african, tribesmen with grey afro hair, and very old, yet with

beautiful complexion of skin. They appeared to be looking over me,

urging me on. That was a threshold, that I was unsure of, and I didn't

go across it. I started to travel thru the stars again, this time I

couldn't tell if it were forward or backward. Also at some point I was

taken to the bowels of the earth, where Humans were enslaved in some

sort of a mine, there was rock and stones and dirt, and I was there,

trying desperately to claw my way out, with bare fingers, even if it

took the rest of my lifex. And I didx I thrust my hand into daylight.

There was more, but it is hard to even begin to articulate what I saw.

8:32PM "I would like my blood prssure checked." Pulse is 110.

8:36PM "Still uncomfortable.These earplugs are strange. They make me

hear everyhting in my body"

8:48PM "Holding. I'm in some sort of a star-base, waiting for something.

I feel very old right now, like I have been around for a LONG time on

earth." I think I was told this, I also think I was told "you are of the

light", but I am not sure if I just knew that. Well, I did know it but

have denied it many many times.

9:00PM "I might Puke"

9:22PM  "I am feeling a little better"

9:50PM "I am going to throw up. Yummy. It's just bile." It was very

painfull. I was having my doubts, because of the uncomfortableness,

because I wondered if I could leave my methadone behind me. I considered

at several points taking the antidote, but I had come so far, waited so

long, I had to see this through. There was no turning back.

10:30PM-12:30AM A long period of being very uncomfortable. Images had

passed. I ached. I felt as though I had somehow failed. I imagined that

I was told to go back, that I needed to take care of something. I knew

what it was: Honesty. I had Lied and stolen from some very kind people

in my addiction, and had yet to deal with that. At first I felt

rejected, that I was not allowed a full initiation. It was crushing, and

my doubts returned. I felt darkness. I was scared. At some point I

managed to sit up, for I was extremely uncomfortable. It helped, but it

was very difficult to move. My guide massaged my back, and that felt

good. NOTE: even though I am noting the time periods, I had no

recollection of time at all. My guide wrote down the times of my remarks

and any actions. During this last time period I was extremely nauseous.

1:57AM "Its passingx Finally. It was Really uncomfortable."

2:00AM  I began to relate to my guide the things I had experiencedx"I

experienced a certianty that the relationship with my girlfriend and her

son is something I desire very much." I saw myself laying with them

both, in golden light and bliss. I related much more to My Guide, most

Of what I have added in above after the quotation marks. Having a caring

and understanding (one who has been there) is paramount. I am forever

grateful for his kindness.

3:42AM At this point I woke from about 1/2 hour of light sleep. I was

exhausted. Ibogaine is an ordeal, for sure!

4:20AM "Feeling very sore and stiff".

4:50AM I was offered a tangerine, and ate it. It as very very good.

Slowly, everything must be done very slowly.

5:08AM "I thought about the high from heroinx that it was at this point

attractive to me. It always was, but there was no way I could picture

myself putting that shit in my body. No Fucking way.

6:16AM  "Humor is very important. The Bwiti have a sense of humor." I

relayed this to my guide because I had recalled getting side tracked

during the imagery portion, and I would stop and question the imagex "Is

this just in my mind, or is someone showing this to me?" when a female

voice came from the Bwiti Tribeswoman "Of course it's in your mindx.

It's all in your mindx" and she trailed off with laughterx It felt good

to hear laughter. There are more things I just cannot articulate. They

defy words. I wish I could share these things with youx they are deep

and profound.

During the next 18 hours I rested and talked with my guide. I no longer

felt that I had failed anything, that perhaps the focus of this journey

was to eliminate the narcotics from my system. I feel no withdrawl at

this point. At one point I drifted off to sleep, sort ofx and was

visited by my junkie Lover. (In Reality, as I understand it in this

Human form, I have no Junkie Lover. She is a spirit of Darkness.) She

was standing in an alleyway, next to a staircasex typical Junkie digsx

she was xBeautifulx temptingx she held a syringe out to mex"Iwant it"

she said passionately, full of sexullity and want. "Don't you want it

too?x I said" No". I knew I couldn'tx I just couldn't. .. she exclaimed

"WHAT? (with even more passion and beauty) You Used To! You want it,

don't you? Please fix me!" I said no again, and I might have said

something elsex but she drifted away. It was obvious she needed me to

sustain her habit. I cannot describe both the sense of loss, and the

feeling of freedom when I told her "no". But this was a very, very

important part of the process. It was, to me, a symbol of letting go of

my darkness. We all have to say goodbye sometime. I found myself seeing

her again, while wide awake, in my minds eye, beckoning mex I was then

compelled to tell her, in love, "Good bye. Good Luck. May you find your

Light." I was overcome with emotion, and very, very thankful. Still

Feeling NO withdrawl. It was a wonderous, divine, sacred experience. I

now question many things I percieved as truth, and now see them as

perhaps illusion, a misunderstanding, convoluted version of the Human

Truth. I know thatx I am eternal. And that Beauty beyond my wildest

imagination awaits me. But first I have things to acomplish. Ibogaine is

a very special substancex it was worth the wait, the aggravation, the

expense, the anxiety, the pain, the suffering. At least for today it is.

It is Wednesday now, nearly 72 hours since I lat took any Methadone. I

feel very weak, but I am not experiencing any withdrawl sypmtoms, other

than a sensitive stomach, but is is always sensitive. I am weary and

must rest.